ABOUT THE BOOK

BENEDICK

I am man enough to say that I love thee. Is that not strange?

BEATRICE

Not really . . .

BENEDICK

By my sword, Beatrice, thou lovest me.

BEATRICE

Get over yourself.

BENEDICK

But you do love me, don’t you?

BEATRICE

OK, OK, if you insist. I love you. Now how are you going to prove it?

BENEDICK

You tell me.

BEATRICE

By killing Claudio, half-wit.

BENEDICK

I’m not sure I love you quite that much . . .

Much Ado About Nothing – very much shorter and more playful than you’ve known it before.

The Incomplete Shakespeare is a new series of the Bard’s greatest plays, pared down to the essentials and with invaluable side-notes from John Sutherland.

Hilarious for those who know their Shakespeare, perfect for the theatre-goer needing a quick recap – and a massive relief for those just desperate to pass their English exam.

This ebook contains footnotes which can be viewed on all devices. If your device doesn’t support pop up text, please use the link to move between the text and footnote. Click the footnote number to return to the text.

CONTENTS

COVER

ABOUT THE BOOK

TITLE PAGE

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

ACT 1, SCENE 1

ACT 1, SCENE 2

ACT 1, SCENE 3

ACT 2, SCENE 1

ACT 2, SCENE 2

ACT 2, SCENE 3

ACT 3, SCENE 1

ACT 3, SCENE 2

ACT 3, SCENE 3

ACT 3, SCENE 4

ACT 3, SCENE 5

ACT 4, SCENE 1

ACT 4, SCENE 2

ACT 5, SCENE 1

ACT 5, SCENE 2

ACT 5, SCENE 3

ACT 5, SCENE 4

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

COPYRIGHT

1 No one much likes the title of this play, for which Shakespeare may not have been responsible (we don’t know; no posters have survived). King Charles I spoke for all discriminating admirers when he crossed out ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ on the title page of his Folio copy and replaced it with ‘Beatrice and Benedick’.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE²²

ACT 1, SCENE 1

Messina, Leonato’s house

LEONATO

I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Arragon comes this night to Messina.33

MESSENGER

Indeed, my lord, he is but three leagues hence.44

LEONATO

How many gentlemen have you lost in this battle?55

MESSENGER

None of any note.

LEONATO

A victory is always so much sweeter when it’s only the plebs that die. I hear that Claudio acquitted himself well.66 His uncle will be pleased.77

BEATRICE

I pray you, sir, is Signor Humpty returned from the wars?88

MESSENGER

I’m not sure who you’re talking about.

HERO

My cousin means Signor Benedick.99

MESSENGER

Oh yes, he’s back.

BEATRICE

How is love’s dream? Are all his loves still dreams? And how many hath he killed?

MESSENGER

He did good service, lady. He is a man stuffed with virtues.

BEATRICE

He is a valiant trencherman; he hath an excellent stomach.1010

MESSENGER

Are you calling him fat?

LEONATO

Take no notice. My niece always goes on like this with Signor Benedick. It is a skirmish of wit between them.1111

BEATRICE

Faith that it were. In our last conflict, Benedick lost four of his five wits.1212 By now, I fear he is but half a wit. Pray tell me, who is his new best friend forever? He hath a new one every month.

MESSENGER

He spends much time with Claudio.

BEATRICE

You mean he clings to him like a rash. Pray God, Claudio has a decent supply of antibiotics.1313

MESSENGER

Don Pedro is approaching.

Enter Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick and
Don John the bastard1414

DON PEDRO

You really shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble . . .1515

LEONATO

It’s my pleasure to near bankrupt myself entertaining you.1616

DON PEDRO

Is this your daughter?1717

LEONATO

So my wife says . . .1818

BENEDICK

And what say you?

BEATRICE

Oh God, look who it isn’t. I was hoping you might have got yourself killed.

BENEDICK

Not you again. I can’t help it if all the ladies love me . . .

BEATRICE

All but me . . .

BENEDICK

Thank God for small mercies. For I have yet to meet a woman who can touch my heart.

BEATRICE

You’re just a commitment phobe.

BENEDICK

Me? Me, the commitment phobe? You’re the one with commitment issues.

BEATRICE

How do you work that one out? I was the one to whom you gave the ‘I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me’ crap last time.

BENEDICK

Jeez. I was only trying to be nice. It was you, not me, all along. I know what you’re like. You came on all sweet but I could tell you didn’t mean it.

BEATRICE

So you dumped me . . .

BENEDICK

That’s a bit harsh . . .

BEATRICE

But fair . . .

BENEDICK

I merely got the dumping in first before you dumped me. In any case, there was a war coming up . . .

BEATRICE

And thank God for that. If not for your survival.1919

LEONATO

Enough. I invite all of you to stay with me for a month. (To Don John) And it’s good to see you reconciled with your brother.2020

DON JOHN

Thank you. I don’t say a lot.2121

LEONATO

I can see that.

Exeunt all but Benedick and Claudio

CLAUDIO

Did you note the daughter of Leonato?2222

BENEDICK

I might have done.

CLAUDIO

And what did you think?

BENEDICK

Honestly? A B-minus at best. She’s not my sort.

CLAUDIO

Well, I think she’s hot.2323

BENEDICK

You’re mad. Even the gobby Beatrice is more of a looker than that minger Hero.

CLAUDIO

Well, I do love her and mean to make her my wife.2424

BENEDICK

Please yourself. Ah look, Don Pedro is back.

Enter Don Pedro

DON PEDRO

What are you two up to?

BENEDICK

This idiot says he is in love and wants to get married to Hero.

DON PEDRO

She seems decent enough.2525

CLAUDIO

’Tis true, I love her with all my heart.

BENEDICK

Oh spare us the saccharine. If I do ever tell you I am in love then I give you permission to kill me. Does no one but me want to remain a bachelor?

DON PEDRO

You say that now. But I do wager that within a month you’ll be under some woman’s thumb. Now run along and tell Leonato that I’ll be joining him for dinner presently.2626

BENEDICK

Carry on like this and you’ll give me the horn.2727 I tell you, I’m not getting married.

DON PEDRO

Yeah, yeah. Yadda, yadda.

Exit Benedick

CLAUDIO

My liege, your highness now may do me good.2828

DON PEDRO

Thou speak’st in verse; I guess thou art in love.

I’ll gladly help, just tell me what thou wantst.2929

CLAUDIO

Before the war, Hero I did quite like,

But now I find her hand doth come with cash

My heart doth soar, my loins are filled with love,

Or something close to delicate desires.3030

DON PEDRO

Her father will not mind, of that I’m sure,

I’ll have a word and she will be your wife.3131

CLAUDIO

In truth, my lord, I am a little shy,

I am not versed in ways of courtly love.

Though I love her, what if she loves not me?

DON PEDRO

Here’s what I’ll do: at the masked ball tonight

I will assume thy part in some disguise

And tell fair Hero I am Claudio.3232

And since she’s bound to say that she loves thee,

Then Bob’s your uncle, she will be your bride.

ACT 1, SCENE 2

Leonato’s house

Enter Leonato and his brother Antonio3333

LEONATO

How’s tricks, brother?

ANTONIO

You’ll never guess what. One of my servants overheard Don Pedro telling Claudio how much he fancied your daughter and that he was planning to try it on with her at the dance tonight.3434

LEONATO

Mmm. I wouldn’t call that a wholly reliable source, but I’ll go and tell Hero just in case.3535

ACT 1, SCENE 3

Outside Leonato’s house3636

Enter Don John the bastard and Conrade his companion

CONRADE

Why the long face?

DON JOHN

What’s to be happy about?

CONRADE

You could at least pretend to be enjoying yourself. Your brother is making a big effort to be nice to you.

DON JOHN

That’s just making things worse. I can’t stand having to appear grateful when he’s being so patronising.3737

CONRADE

That’s a bit harsh.

DON JOHN

Tough.

Enter Borachio3838

BORACHIO

Top gossip. I was hiding behind the arras – as you do – when I overheard Don Pedro saying he would woo Hero on Claudio’s behalf.3939

DON JOHN

Suddenly I feel a bit more cheerful. I loathe Mr Perfect Claudio and here’s my chance to wreck his chances. Here’s to everyone getting food poisoning at dinner.

BORACHIO

Cheers.4040