ABOUT THE BOOK

‘Alas, poor Yorick! He looks not at all well.
I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest,
Though sadly finite breath.
Though thy gibes be still, yet still thou grins;
I seldom saw thy teeth look quite so clean.’

HAMLET – very much shorter and more playful than you’ve known it before.

The Incomplete Shakespeare is a new series of the Bard’s greatest plays, pared down to the essentials and with invaluable side-notes from John Sutherland.

Hilarious for those who know their Shakespeare, perfect for the theatre-goer needing a quick recap – and a massive relief for those just desperate to pass their English exam.

This ebook contains footnotes which can be viewed on all devices. If your device doesn’t support pop up text, please use the link to move between the text and footnote. Click the footnote number to return to the text.

CONTENTS

COVER

ABOUT THE BOOK

TITLE PAGE

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

ACT 1, SCENE 1

ACT 1, SCENE 2

ACT 1, SCENE 3

ACT 1, SCENE 4

ACT 1, SCENE 5

ACT 2, SCENE 1

ACT 2, SCENE 2

ACT 3, SCENE 1

ACT 3, SCENE 2

ACT 3, SCENE 3

ACT 3, SCENE 4

ACT 4, SCENE 1

ACT 4, SCENE 2

ACT 4, SCENE 3

ACT 4, SCENE 4

ACT 4, SCENE 5

ACT 4, SCENE 6

ACT 4, SCENE 7

ACT 5, SCENE 1

ACT 5, SCENE 2

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

COPYRIGHT

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

ACT 1, SCENE 1

The battlements of Elsinore castle11

Enter Barnardo and Francisco22

BARNARDO

Who’s there?33

FRANCISCO

It’s me.

BARNARDO

I know it is. But you’re meant to use the password.

FRANCISCO

What password?

BARNARDO

‘Long live the king.’44

FRANCISCO

Why didn’t you say so earlier?

BARNARDO

’Tis now struck twelve, so get thee off to bed,

Leave me to freeze my nuts off on these walls.55

Exit Francisco

BARNARDO

I hear a noise. What people this way come?

Enter Horatio and Marcellus

BARNARDO

Welcome, Horatio; welcome, good Marcellus.66

MARCELLUS

What, has this thing appeared again tonight?77

BARNARDO

I have seen nothing.

MARCELLUS

Horatio says ’tis but our fantasy,

And so I’ve brought him to these wretched steps

So he can witness it with his own eyes.88

HORATIO

I merely said you both spend too much time

Watching The Bridge and other Scandi noir.99

Enter ghost

MARCELLUS

Enough of that. Look where it comes again.1010

BARNARDO

’Tis a dead ringer for our dear dead king.

HORATIO

What art thou that usurp’st this time of night,

In the same armour our late king did wear?

Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!1111

Exit ghost

MARCELLUS

The ghost hath gone and answer made it none.1212

HORATIO

That much I hath seen clearly for myself,

There is no need to state the obvious.

Since it did wear the very same armour

In which our good king Hamlet fought Norway,

Then surely Denmark must be in the mire.1313

MARCELLUS

Since you’re the brains, I’ll put my trust in you

To tell me why a ghost foretells such doom.

HORATIO

’Tis time to fill thee in on our history:

When Hamlet killed Norway’s King Fortinbras,

Young Fortinbras did swear to vengeance take

And reclaim Denmark for his father’s sake.1414

MARCELLUS

So you think Hamlet to these walls doth come

To tell us what thou hast already guessed?

HORATIO

Readest Will Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar

And thou would’st know the presence of a ghost

Is ne’er a harbinger of aught but doom.1515

Enter ghost

HORATIO

But soft, behold! Lo, where it comes again!

I’ll see if I can have another word.

Ghost spreads its arms

HORATIO

I beg thee speak; tell me our country’s fate.1616

The cock crows1717

HORATIO

Speak, phantasm, do not run away!

Exit ghost

MARCELLUS

You did it wrong by being so abrupt,

A little more polite you should have been.

HORATIO

Ere the cock crew it was about to speak,

But then it fled so best to ’scape the dawn.

But look, the morn in russet mantle clad

Walks o’er the dew of yon eastward hill.

Methinks ’tis best to go and warn Hamlet

That his dead dad is still in Elsinore.1818

Exeunt

ACT 1, SCENE 2

The great hall of Elsinore castle

Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes, Ophelia, Cornelius,1919 Voltemand

CLAUDIUS

Though we do grieve for this our brother’s death

And feel quite sorry for young Hamlet’s loss,

It can’t be good to drown in self-pity;2020

Thus we have cheered ourselves by getting wed

To Gertrude, whom I once ‘dear sis’ did call.

So I am king and she can still be queen,

A nigh-on-perfect nuclear family

That is content to use the royal ‘we’.

All that is left to do is calm Norway

And then we can enjoy our reign in peace.

You, good Cornelius, and you, Voltemand,

Hie thee away to chat to Fortinbras

And try to keep him off our Danish ass.

Exeunt Cornelius and Voltemand

CLAUDIUS

And now, Laertes, what’s the news with you?

We hear thou hast a question of the king.

LAERTES

Now that your coronation is all done,

I beg your leave to make return to France.2121

CLAUDIUS

What says your dad? What says Polonius?2222

POLONIUS

Though normally a windbag, I’ll be brief:

I have given Laertes my consent.2323

CLAUDIUS

Go, Laertes, make speed to the Rive Gauche.

But now my cousin Hamlet, and my son—2424

HAMLET (aside)

A little more than kin, and less than kind.2525

CLAUDIUS

Do try to smile; things are not all that bad.

GERTRUDE

Indeed, my son, make not to be so sad.

Thou surely knows that every life must end,

And thy dear father had a good innings.

HAMLET

I do not dress in black just to impress

How much I miss my dad now he is dead.

My grief’s more deep than any passing shroud,

’Tis more like a life-threatening malaise.2626

CLAUDIUS

Come on, old boy, do try and get a grip.

Your grief has time and place and this ain’t it.

When all is said and done, your dad’s no more.

These things do happen; just get over it.

To give you cheer, I’ll tell you what we’ll do.

I’ll make you our successor to the throne;

Fairer than that, I really cannot say.

Just one condition I do make of thee:

Thou don’t return to school in Germany.2727

HAMLET

I shall obey and not to uni go.2828

CLAUDIUS

Thou art most kind, I thank thee for thy pledge.

Now try to have some fun; be not a drudge.2929

Exeunt all but Hamlet

HAMLET

O that this too too solid flesh would melt3030

Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

Or that the Everlasting had not fixed

His canon ’gainst self-slaughter.3131 O God! God!

How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable

Seem to me all the uses of this world!

’Tis but two months since my dear dad hath passed,

And yet my mum to Claudius is wed

And romps quite freely in the lech’s bed.3232

Let me not think on’t; frailty, thy name is woman!3333

Yet I must hold my tongue, not say a word.

Enter Horatio, Marcellus and Barnardo

HAMLET

’Tis good to see thee back from Wittenberg;

But what is your affair in Elsinore?

HORATIO

A bit of this and that and nothing more.3434

HAMLET

Methinks you came to see my mother wed.

HORATIO

Well, it did merge into the funeral

Of thy dear father, whom I lovest well.

Talking of which, these men did see a ghost

They swore was a dead ringer for your pa.

And when last night I joined them on their watch,

I must admit the same thought I did have.3535

HAMLET

What, looked he frowningly?

HORATIO

A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.3636

HAMLET

Pray tell me more. What look was in his eye?

What did he tell thee of his ghostly state?3737

HORATIO

Though I implored him, he refused to speak

And beetled off the moment the cock crowed.

I beg you, this night, join us on our guard.

Perhaps he will to his son offer words.

HAMLET

That will I do, I’ll see you three anon.

Exeunt all but Hamlet

HAMLET

If father armed be, all cannot be well.

Foul play there hath been in this Danish hell.3838

Exit

ACT 1, SCENE 3

Elsinore, a private room

Enter Laertes and his sister Ophelia

LAERTES

My bags are packed, I come to say farewell,

Though first I must give thee some good advice

About young Hamlet: he is not your type.3939

OPHELIA

Be not my aunt of agony. Be gone!

LAERTES

Forgive me, sis, I have to speak my mind.

I do believe that Hamlet is a cad

Who wants you for your body, not your mind.

Being of royal blood, he’ll not you wed

Though if you let him, he’ll take you to bed.

Remember, then, always to constant be

And let him not sweet-talk you to undress.4040

OPHELIA

Why, thanks for nothing, bruv. I’m not a slut

And I do think that Hamlet loves me well.

Methinks the pot doth call the kettle black,

For thou wilt get thy end away abroad.

LAERTES

Is that the time? I really must be off.4141

Enter Polonius

POLONIUS

Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame!

Keep these few precepts in thy memory.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.

Do not a quarrel make, yet if thou finds

A bloke bears arms at thee, do not back down.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to anyone.4242

LAERTES

Dear father, you don’t half go on and on,

Yet I would not deny thy poetry.

And with that thought, I bid you both adieu.

Exit Laertes

POLONIUS

Tell me, sweet daughter, what your bruv did say?4343

OPHELIA

I’m sure that it will come as no surprise;

He begged me no more see my prince Hamlet.

POLONIUS

I do concur with mine own son’s advice,

For Hamlet is a bad lad, no mistake.

The prince doth want one thing, one thing alone;

He doth not care about thy innocence.

Though he may tell thee that he doth love thee,

’Tis in thy pants he really wants to be.

Thou wilt not ever be a royal bride.

I do beseech thee, keep him at arm’s length.

Exeunt

ACT 1, SCENE 4

The gun platform

Enter Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus

HORATIO

We’ll catch our death here high up on this keep.

HAMLET

Ay, that we will, ’tis freezing cold for sure.

Yet ’t’will be worth it if the ghost doth come.4444

HORATIO

What noise is that which comes from down below?

HAMLET

Why ’tis my uncle and his loyal men;

Each night they getteth pissed, till they can’t stand.

It is an affliction well known to Danes,

Give them a drink and they’ll get out of hand.4545

Enter ghost

HORATIO

See there, my lord, this way the ghost doth come.

HAMLET

Angels and ministers of grace defend us!

Thou hast told the truth, I know that now,

It is the very image of my dad.4646

What can it mean? His corpse hath left the grave

To cast a spectral presence ’fore our eyes?

I would, I will have words and speak with him.

Ghost beckons Hamlet

HORATIO

It beckons you to go away with it.

MARCELLUS

Stay here, my lord, it is a threatening ghost.

If it nearer comes, I’ll run it through.

HAMLET

It will not speak unless I follow it.

HORATIO

Do not go, I beg thee, noble lord.4747

What if it is not friendly after all,

And merely seeks to throw you from the cliff?4848

HAMLET

Why should I fear my own mortality

When mine own soul for e’er immortal be?

I beg you do not stop me. Unhand me!

Now with my father’s spirit I will go.

MARCELLUS

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Exeunt Hamlet and ghost

HORATIO

On your head be it. I’ll keep watch from here.

Exeunt

ACT 1, SCENE 5

The walls of Elsinore castle

Enter ghost and Hamlet

HAMLET

Where wilt thou lead me? Speak. I’ll go no further.

GHOST

Mark me.4949

HAMLET

I will.

GHOST

My time is almost come,

When I to flames of purgatory must go.

For ere I died, I never had the chance

To confess my sins and receive God’s grace.5050